This one is for you, Lenny.

There’s a country song I play whenever I want to cry about my daddy issues. Toby Keith – Red White & Blue. Omg does it hit my heart something awful. I literally cry uncontrollably. I guess cuz I imagine my dad having that kind of pride and respect. The Dad I’ll never know. The Dad that will never hug me. The Dad that will never tell me “Everything’s gonna be alright, son” and no matter where I look, there’s all these reminders of how I’ll never have that. Even if he showed up right now, those words would be so empty. Because I’m not. I’m not okay. “It’s” not okay. I’m 30 now, doing what I can to make ends meet. And Im just fine. I actually think if my dad were to show up, you know, claiming to be MY dad or whatever – someone would have to get me away from him cuz I’d fall on the floor uncontrollably hysterically laughing my white ass off, crying and laughing, slapping my knee the entire time. I don’t see a man fit enough to endure that. Especially not Lenny Young. 

My dad serves/served in the United States Army. He has a beautiful wife and 3 absolutely gorgeous children. 2 boys 1 girl. My kin I reckon. I met them when I was 8 and had to stay with them for 1 year pre-adoption. But he’s not the Dad listed on either of my birth certificates, and for the life of me, I cannot figure out why or why he’d even bother starting the adoption process, putting me thru that emotional hell, to just leave me a letter days before the adoption telling me he couldn’t adopt me. I haven’t spoken to him since.

I think about him a lot. I also think of the outstanding Dad’s whom were in the same position as he was. Though present and with much effort – the task was too large or my hurt was too big and ultimately I pushed everyone away. I think that is why I never have any genuine lasting relationships. Its partially why I also allow people to get over on me, or to hurt me and I still stick for a bit longer thereafter. I like to see what people are capable of. How far they will go. And when my tolerance has been reached…I make damn sure to leave the situation better than I found it and then I politely excuse myself out of their lives. Not to hurt them abd to not cause myself any further hurt.

Especially since were dealing with a highly sensitive and emotional Tyler here.

be present. own the skin you wear. suit it to your comfort. disgust the world with your beauty.

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